I have created, for your pleasure and displeasure, a bingo card for Japanese school BLs. I wrote these down before I started watching Miseinen (I promise!), and I’m going to see at which episode I yell “Bingo!”. Feel free to play along: shuffle the table, make it your own, and then tell me at which point you win. (For more on the show itself, and my rating, see below.)

Column B:
(Psychology 101)

1. Overbearing mother
2. Absent or abusive father
3. Inability to communicate (except through inner monologues)
4. Panic attacks at the very thought of intimacy
5. Noble idiot

Column I:
(Tropefest)

1. Time jump, usually for trips abroad
2. Trips to the beach
3. Random and wildly inaccurate equations on blackboard
4. Corridor crossings in slow motion
5. Roof-tops, usually fenced-in, against a hilly background: ideal for unrequited confessions
[Bonus point: Bangs for girls, bowlcut for boys, both to make 25 year old actors look like teenagers.]

Column N:
(Love Languages)

1. A wide-eyed "kiss" that reminds you of the girl from The Ring
2. Kabedon, because... door banging is sexy?
3. Free Space
4. Wound tending... preferably with an orange q-tip.
5. Standing in the rain, kissing in the rain, getting cold & fever from the rain... just a lot of rain.

Column G:
(Lines of dialogue)

1. “But we’re both men…”
2. “Kawaii!” or “Kakkoii!”
3. “Ikemen ne.”
4. “Hendayo!" (usually after the first non-kiss)
5. “Suki da.” “Eh?”

Column O:
(War of the Positions)

1. Seme: Nipple-revealing bleach-white shirt. Uke: Buttoned-up black coat.
2. Seme: No real friends. Uke: Really bad friends.
3. Seme: PTSD survivor. Uke: Florence Shitingayle
4. Seme: Rebel with(out) a cause. Uke: Mathlete.
5. Seme: Six feet, tops. Uke: Five feet under.

Verdict:
I'm afraid I have decided to drop the show. A lot of people whom I respect love it: so doubtless the fault is mine. At another time, or perhaps earlier in my BL journey, I might have gushed about it as a teenager would about his or her first love. But now, I see little in it beyond a story I have seen and heard a thousand times before, cobbled together from the same old tired tropes listed above. Which is not to say that it can't be told again, and told anew: the idea of a stuck-up nerd falling for the school bad boy is an inherently exciting premise. Yet here, it felt neither exciting nor subversive. What's more, the show suffers from an excess of JBL's worst tendencies -- and I say this as someone who loves all things Japanese -- such as a general joylessness of tone, a darkness of mood, an emphasis on suffering, and a disdain for levity or charm. (Charm! How rare it is in JBL and KBL!) Two men falling headlong in love -- even if they come from traumatic circumstances -- should feel exhilarating, not exhausting. But by Ep. 5, exhausted is all I felt.

Notes (written down before I quit):
1. Gang, it happened! At the end of Ep. 5, Bingo!!
2. "Infect me!" has to be the sexiest and most romantic thing anyone has ever said in a BL.
3. If my sampling of JBLs is correct, at least a third of all Japanese fathers must be in jail for child abuse.
4. I really wish they would stop casting idols in JBLs and KBLs. They can't all act, and evidently they have a problem with filming intimate scenes. I don't know about you all, but everytime they "kissed", I cringed. They barely opened their mouths, and it never felt natural.
5. "But we're both men." Really? In a show set in 2019? The writers should watch Smells Like Green Spirit.

This review is dedicated to jpny01, the final word and authority on all things BL.

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: Sweet Bird of Youth
DON'T SAY: The Young and the Restless