My bittersweet memories

This is gonna get kinda personal, I'm letting you know upfront so you can decide if reading my review is worth your time.

When I first read Utsukushii Kare synopsis I didn't thought it was that special, but I decided to give it a try because I really liked the poster, they look so pretty surrounded by flowers. So you can imagine I was quite shocked to find myself relating so deeply with its characters and story.

Hira and I have a lot in common. I once met someone who I feel deeply in love with, but I was too young to understand or deal with my feelings properly, so I would just do everything the person I liked asked me to and try my best to make them happy. I saw myself as inferior to them, and thought I was so lucky to be allowed to walk by their side. Nobody was more important to me, nobody could compare, I was so enamoured I became blind. Now that I'm older, I know I was kinda stupid (but who isn't right). I also know loving like this can make you suffer. You can't put people on pedestals and turn them into Kings, they are just human, they are flawed, and seeing them as more than that will be painful for the both of you.

I am so happy and touched we got to see how Kiyoi felt about all this. I know many people can't understand him or connect with his character, but I wish we all could see that it's hard for him as well. He had his own problems to deal and then Hira showed up and even without meaning to, changed everything. One of the most important moments for me is when Kiyoi says to Hira "You will never understand my feelings". Yes, Hira cares a lot about Kiyoi, but he created a version of Kiyoi based on what he sees on the surface and doesn't let himself get closer, to really know Kiyoi as a person, because he's afraid and has a negative image of himself.

I think I saw someone say how Utsukushii Kare is a story about two people who struggle, each in your own way, with connecting with others and receiving/giving love, and I couldn't agree more. Kiyoi wishes to be an idol, to receive love and be adored, even recognizing that being famous can lead to a lonely life, because at least then he will be loved. But over the years he realizes what he really yearns for is human contact and the attention of one person in particular. Hira uses his camera to distance himself from everyone, he's socially awkward and prefers to keep to himself, believing that's the way the things are and there's nothing he can do to change it. Still he yearns for connection, so when a person so beautiful and interesting as Kiyoi enter his life, he can't resist. But he can't handle changes, and the possibility that Kiyoi and him could be something is too wild to even consider. When confronted, and after a lot of angst, he starts to change his way of thinking and finally the obstacles they created to keep the other apart are destroyed.

I don't know if the drama portrayed this part as well as it could. Speaking from experience - it's very difficult to overcome low self-esteem, and it can takes years to deconstruct the hierarchy you built in your mind. I think we will probably see more of this side if we get a season 2, I'm very curious about how Hira and Kiyoi's relationship would evolve. I also am not here to say that it's a "healthy portrait of a relationship", but most relationships in real life aren't, so I don't see the problem on someone wanting to tell a story about 2 complex men having a complex relationship. The "is this toxic or not" discussion doesn't lead anywhere, and it's getting boring to be honest. If you don't wanna see something that may cause you discomfort, stop watching. Your feelings are valid and you should take care of yourself, if Utsukushii Kare disturbs you that much, go watch something else.

I guess it's pretty clear I'm happy Utsukushii Kare exists. I saw myself in Hira, and I think many others will too. Knowing that there are people who understand how I feel makes me feel less alone. I understand just a little bit more how someone in Kiyoi's place would feel, and I learned how I was in a way not respecting the feelings and thoughts of someone I used to love. It's harder than it seems, to love and be loved. I just hope someone feels as comforted as I after finishing this drama.

Ps: if it's hard to understand something, sorry, English is not my native language.

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