The Closet (2007)

Save yourself from the closet

I don't usually write reviews, but this movie is so bad it deserves a warning. Its earned the extra .5 star from the 1 it deserves only because it left a lasting impression-- months later I'm still wondering how it could be so bad.
The description is more of a backstory that was barely shown. His time as a "magician" (actually escape artist) is over within the first 4 minutes, and his haunting past is reduced to one recurring memory of a closet in the middle of nowhere in a courtyard.
The "retreat" takes them to an eccentric mansion where they proceed to spend half of the rest of the movie in the cheapest set ever - a room filled with tarps. Tarps tied in weird shapes, but tarps none the less. They say it's creepy, but continue to hang out in this weird, uncomfortable room for no reason even though there are definitely other rooms in the house. Maybe they can't redecorate because they're renting the house, but after the FL throws away the yard ornaments it's clear that they're stuck in the tarp room because they're hoping it will make the movie creepy when it really isn't. It's a weird situation with the usual stupid misunderstandings from lack of communication, but it's not creepy. If anything, it's confusing. The reactions, the neighbors, the "ghost", the house's layout, the clueless FL... It's full of plot holes and every part that's supposed to be scary is dulled by the horrible acting, although even with the best acting the plot still would have been awful. They should've stuck to the plot about the ML being haunted by his past rather than involving weirdo neighbors and a "ghost" but instead both plots end up meaningless with a lame ending. It leaves you wondering why you wasted the time to watch it, if not for a test of endurance. (And I love lame horror movies!)
The movie was horrible, yes... But even worse, why did the subs call the ML Fred?! Everyone had a horrible English name, and it really took this movie from 90 to 100 on the awfulness scale.

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