Six boys are all that stand between Earth and annihilation!

Not long ago I read that Invasion of the Neptune Men was one of the worst films ever made. Man, whoever wrote that has not seen very many films. Actually, there is a dubbed, shortened version that was shown on Mystery Science Theater which seemed to be the one most reviewers had watched. Now the subbed version is no award winner, but for a children’s movie it was watchable. People hoping to see Sonny “Street Fighter” Chiba will also be disappointed. This was early in his career when he was around 22. The film was bonkers funny with aliens in bullet shaped welders’ helmets and Sonny driving a car/fighter plane/spaceship that squealed tires on grass. This film focused on 6 young school boys and may or may not have been a figment of their imagination.

Six school boys who hero worship scientist Dr. Tachibana are out looking for satellites with their telescope. Given that it’s daytime, you’d think they wouldn’t have much luck. Ah, but luck favors the prepared for a spaceship lands not far from them. Completely unafraid they check the ship out and are soon surrounded by aliens! Luck smiled on them again when superhero Iron Sharp comes to their rescue and puts a karate beatdown on the interlopers. The aliens initially attempted to start WWIII by causing suspicion between countries. At first no one believes the boys but the aliens from Neptune soon make their nefarious plot to take over the world known!

Despite obviously being a film aimed at children there were some disturbing images. The aliens blew up a nuclear reactor creating a mushroom cloud that had to invoke terrible memories for some original audience goers. There were several deaths as well. But when the aliens blew up the Hitler Building I was ready to reassess my opinion of them. Maybe they were just misunderstood? Then they went on to blow up buildings everywhere and took aim at those meddling kids. The events might have been in the boys’ imagination for two different reasons. The boys were allowed into every building and secure location, usually the first to come into contact with the Neptunians. Iron Sharp knew when they needed him and showed up with his vehicle armed with laser weapons. He also happened to be the hero the boys had dreamed up. Or maybe the scientists and military just had really, really bad security and Iron Sharp was omniscient.

If you are looking for captivating entertainment, this is not it. However, it's also not the worst movie ever made. Invasion of the Neptune Men could have used more menacing aliens and more competent adults, but for 70 minutes there was plenty of spaceship action and things being blown up. Robby the Robot even made a quick cameo. I’d void the truncated, dubbed version in favor of the subbed original if you decide to watch it. (Graded on a curve)

25 October 2024

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"It's tough to discipline a grown daughter"

Not one but two magic mirrors were the unholy desire of the Nine Souls Witch in The Devil’s Mirror. Two friendly clans were turned against each other as the Bloody Souls Clan double-crossed and sliced their way through righteous fighters in the hopes of serving the new ruler of the martial world.

Chief Wen and Chief Bai have discovered that the Nine Souls Witch has sent her minions to murder and thieve across the land. Numerous heroes have gone missing in recent weeks. Wen is concerned that she is after the two magic mirrors that would grant her access to Emperor Wu’s tomb where two powerful weapons are ensconced. Bai’s second in command, the Wormtongued Leng Yun assures his chief that there is nothing to worry about. Later that night the magic Wind Mirror is stolen from the Bai fortress. Leng convinces Bai it must have been the Wen clan as their badges were found on two of the dead assassins. Chief Wen’s son happens to arrive at that time to alert them that the witch’s minions are lurking nearby. When Leng tries to capture Wen Jian Feng, Chief Bai’s daughter, Xiaofeng, steps in with her sword to save the man she loves. The two young people will have to convince their clans to work together to retrieve the Wind Mirror and protect the Thunder Mirror for if the witch uses the two at the same time it could be devastating for the world.

I had to double-check to make sure this was not a Chang Cheh film as there were great Buckets O’ Blood spilled and spewing throughout this film. The sword fights were nearly constant and the red #2 finger-paint covered everyone. This was a typical 1972 film before all the special effects for fighting were developed though wire-fu was used as well as reverse filming. The Nine Souls Witch could fly and most of the time she didn’t look too awkward. The numerous stuntmen were what sold the fights as they twisted, flipped, and fell whenever the swords came near. They certainly got a workout in this action film.

Lau Dan and Shu Pei Pei were fine in their roles, but the characters came across as quite bland. Lee Ga Sai as the Jiuxuan Witch reveled in her maniacal laugh. If anything, they should have given her more meaningful actions to take instead of spending most of her time laughing or seducing men. The biggest and most welcome surprise was Wang Hsieh playing a good guy! He nearly always played an over-the-top villain in these kung fu flicks. Coincidentally, there were several fights at the SB 7 story pagoda and bridge where he once fought Cheng Pei Pei in The Lady Hermit (1971). Not only was he a good guy but was also rewarded with a significant fight of his own. Go Wang!

The Devil’s Mirror wasn’t a great name as there were two mirrors and a witch involved. One of the things I like about some of these Shaw Brothers films is that the character names are in the correct order and spelled correctly for the subtitles. I did wonder about the translation for the sword the witch wanted-the Fish Intestines Sword, but discovered that was one of the real names for it. Eww. Not only did the props guy have to buy red paint in bulk but also Buckets O’ Gold as nearly everything in the Emperor’s tomb was coated in gold paint!

The sets and costumes were all first rate for a 1972 wuxia. The Devil’s Mirror also offered magic, secret tunnels, torture, poison corpse pills, double-crosses, numerous group sword fights, and a nice surprise twist. If you enjoy old kung fu films, this is one to try. (Graded on a curve)

24 October 2024
Trigger warnings: Blood, lots of blood. Decapitation. Nudity.

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Before Sonny Chiba became The Street Fighter he fought genetically altered humans turned into fish men cyborgs. A diabolical scientist wanted to rule the world from his undersea headquarters and turn all humans into obedient cyborgs. Can Sonny and his plucky female sidekick and the US Navy stop the nefarious plan?

Reporters Ken and Jenny are aboard a navy sub in order to watch a new torpedo demonstration when a mysterious creature swims by the viewing window. Later the two don their scuba gear and go back to investigate. Jenny is confronted by one of the creatures and escapes. Commander Tom Brown says he doesn’t believe her, and like a good man from the 1960’s, recommends she see a psychiatrist. Ken does believe her and the two once again go underwater to see what’s going on but are captured by the strange creatures. They awaken to find themselves dressed in white pajamas and scuffed up white go-go boots. Dr. Rufus Moore introduces himself and explains his plan, showing the transformation of a man into a Creature from the Black Lagoon. Ken and Jenny seek to avoid that fate while their friend, Commander Brown fights bureaucratic red tape in order to rescue them.

I have a high tolerance for cheesy old monster films, but this one tested that tolerance. With the exception of Sonny, who looked great here I might add, the acting was abysmal. Not even in the cheesy, “Welcome to my lair, Mr. Bond,” kind of way. The costumes had issues with gaping spots and one was literally coming apart at the seams. The cyborg commands were rudimentary of which they showed only two, “work” and “fight.” But what happens if they become short-circuited and turn on their masters? They livened up the movie after a lot of yakking from the humans! Jenny’s sole purpose was to scream or cry loudly and look pretty which became quite annoying. Sonny’s street fighter powers were greatly reduced here. Instead of fileting the fishmen, he was routinely dominated. But I will say the evil scientists made good use of their label makers by neatly labeling every can of atomic waste dumped at the bottom of the ocean clearly and succinctly.

Fans of Sonny Chiba or old monster flicks may be disappointed by this film. The underwater installations, subs, and torpedoes were all well-crafted. If only as much attention had been paid to the acting and costumes. Even graded on a curve, Terror Beneath the Sea barely made a passing grade.

23 October 2024

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It's bananas!!!

What happens when you add the quirky 1970’s with one of Japan’s quirkiest directors? You get an insanely creative film like House. Obayashi Nobuhiko took old elements that go bump in the night and used surrealistic effects to create something new for the time. When Obayashi is in the driver’s seat, hold on because it is going to be one wild ride!

Seven school girls travel to spend some time with Gorgeous’ aunt in her huge mansion on a hill. Gorgeous, Fantasy, Professor, Mac, Kung Fu, Sweet, and Melody descend upon the old woman living in her cobweb infested house. One by one the girls go missing as more and more bizarre incidents begin to take place.

The film started out slow as the girls discussed their plans. Gorgeous discovered her dad was getting remarried which propelled her to make the fateful decision to visit her deceased mother’s sister. When the other girls’ plans fell through, they followed Gorgeous. The train and bus rides had almost picture book backgrounds that were obviously fake. Gorgeous told the sad story of her aunt’s lover being killed during WWII with her aunt vowing she would wait for him forever. The story was told in sepia form with the girls all being able to see it. It did not take long for the nightmare to begin once they crossed the mansion’s threshold. A scary old well, creepy clocks, dusty pianos, luminous chandeliers, a skeleton, and an abundance of cat pictures which might normally make the hair on a person’s neck raise took on deadly proportions as the night went on. Obayashi used the special effects of the day and created a few of his own. The special effects were primitive by today’s standards, but this was before George Lucas took effects a giant step forward with Star Wars. Strangely, as gruesome as some of the scenes were, many came across as grotesquely funny and rarely scary.

When Gorgeous was relating her aunt’s story, she and the other girls seemed almost unfamiliar with WWII and the terrible suffering associated with it. Only 30 years out from the war, the girls lived in a peaceful society completely unaware of the price paid for it. The aunt had been unable to let go of her loss and bitterness. Little by little she began to destroy the oblivious young people chaining them to her pain and insatiable hunger. The film turned on its head two common tropes---A man will save us! An adult will save them! This ravenous haunted house hidden in the fog under a full moon had no mercy on anyone.

House is a hard film to define. It was a horror film with a devilish sense of humor. Obayashi seemed to revel in creating a macabre world of the ghostly realm and the teenagers powerless against the inexorable pull of the inevitable. Experimental, weird, and totally bananas (sorry Togo!), House felt like a bad acid trip that shouldn’t have worked but did. Mostly. Screw black cats, I’ll never look at white cats the same.

15 October 2024
Trigger warnings: Dismemberment, so many body parts. Blood

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Lots of ghosts-no vampires

Mr. Vampire 3 left the hopping vampires behind and embraced ghosts, both the friendly and unfriendly kind, in this installment of the franchise. Lam Ching Ying’s vampire slayer was joined by a fellow Taoist played by Richard Ng. Stronger than the second film, it lagged behind the first for me.

Uncle Ming, a Taoist priest who utilizes two ghostly brothers to help him make money exorcising “haunted” houses finds himself in the middle of a skirmish between villagers and deadly horse thieves. Uncle Nine leads the villagers and figures out very quickly that the bandits who are impervious to weapons have had a heavy dose of black magic. Uncle Nine convinces Uncle Ming to release his ghosts, but they might just need them when the bandit’s leader, the Devil Lady, decides to seek revenge against the village.

Lam Ching Ying owned this role and despite this being his third outing as the unibrowed Taoist priest gave it his all. Richard Ng was a welcome addition as the Taoist priest who had fallen on hard times yet still had some magical chops. His relationship with the two friendly ghosts was one of the sweeter parts of the film. Pauline Wong, who played a ghost in the first film and a hopping vampire in the second, returned this time as the malevolent Devil Lady. What caused me to drop my rating for this film was the overuse of Billy Lau. As an antagonist with limited screen time in the first he accomplished his task. In the third installment his sycophantic, contemptible disciple of Uncle Nine grated on my nerves. I was rooting for the Devil Lady to tear him apart instead of his friend. Sammo Hung, Wu Ma, and Corey Yuen made guest appearances at a birthday party when they served up a “foreign moon cake” with candles.

This film had very little kung fu unlike the first, which was a shame. Lam Ching Ying in action is a sight to see although he did have a few cool moves in this film. Like the other films in this franchise, the wires were rarely edited out and I could see them in several scenes when the supernatural fights took place. There were rudimentary special effects for the ghostly battles and a deep-fried ghoul scene to top it off. Director Ricky Lau kept the action coming from start to finish.

Mr. Vampire 3 was entertaining for the most part and I enjoyed Richard Ng and his ghosts, though I could have used less of his bare behind. Lam Ching Ying and his twitchy brow were worth watching the film alone. If the writers and director had remembered to dial back the most annoying character it would have been far more enjoyable for me.

14 October 2024

***Trigger warnings: Cockroaches and bats***

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"I want to get that foreign fish fried!"

Lam Ching Ying and his unibrow returned to fight the undead in Vampire vs Vampire. This time he was aided by a Little Vampire, 2 inept disciples, and a fierce Mother Superior. He would be confronted not by hopping vampires, but a European vampire impervious to his magical talismans.

Disciples Ho and Fong disturb a palm ghost and attract her attention. Master Unibrow helps them out but now the ghost will not leave them alone. The two have to find her body so that she can be properly buried. Meanwhile, Master Unibrow is helping the village leader who is having a feng shui problem with the land. Master Unibrow shows him where to dig a well for better water and fortunes. Unfortunately, bats move the marker and workers dig in the wrong spot the next day. During these misadventures a handful of nuns are attempting to rebuild their church. The local captain vows to burn the church down but the nuns are persistent. When the well workers begin digging they find more than artifacts, unbeknownst to them they uncover a European vampire staked in the heart by a cross with a giant ruby in it. The greedy captain and his girlfriend awaken the beast when they try to steal the ruby. Master Unibrow has his hands full when trying to dispatch this new foe.

Vampire vs Vampire was a similar set-up to Mr. Vampire (1985). Lam Ching Ying was once again the adult in the room and constantly helping everyone around them whether it was a bat infestation, blood sucking vampire, or distraught ghost. The casting of Chin Siu Ho promised a few acrobatic fights which he delivered on. Lam Ching Ying who also directed the movie was able to get his kung fu on as well much to my delight. Sandra Ng played the self-absorbed girlfriend who was bitten by the vampire and was able to show a completely different side of her acting. Billy Lau who seemed to be in all of these movies played the character I most wanted to be blown up-the pompous captain. Lam Jing Wang brought the adorable to his Little Vampire, a character familiar to those who watched Mr. Vampire 2 even though it was set in the future. With these movies, logic was never a consideration.

Vampire vs Vampire had plenty of slapstick comedy for those who like it, I’m not one who does. There was low budget special effects and once again I spotted wires in various shots when characters went airborne or amphibians. But the film had a few tense moments when the bats attacked the sisters, maybe because bats* freak me out. The European vampire was scarily funny yet also a good opponent for Master Unibrow. The Dracula wannabe became more gruesome looking as the fights went on. Master Unibrow had to think outside the box to bring down the fanged baddie. Fortunately for him, the sisters were willing to help as well as his incompetent disciples and his cute TNT carrying Little Vampire. If you enjoyed Mr. Vampire, this is one you might want to give a try. (Rated on a curve)

14 October 2024

Trigger warnings-bats and a snake

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The Kid from Kwang Tung starred Wong Yu, not exactly a household name even in kung fu circles. The story was a bit of a mess. What it lacked in star power and coherency it tried to make up with fists and kicks. With very little wire-fu the fights came early and often.

He Jia Yu is always getting into fights with brothers Wu De Bao and Wu De Zhi from a rival school. Also in town is Chen Xiaowei and her mother who are fleeing from Luo Yihu and his gang who are taking down schools and fighters. When Yihu comes to town the bodies start dropping. Jia Yu and friends will have to up their skills if they want to stay alive.

The first half of this film was slapstick comedy and pranks that began to wear thin. If not for the promise of hopping vampires I would have dropped it. There was a creative fight competition between a chicken and a centipede. Which eventually led to hopping vampire action on a bet later on. Hwang Jang Lee as Luo Yihu had a black cat and could power up when his eyes glowed green. I love watching Thunderleg in action. He didn’t need wires for his high-flying kicks. Wong Yu was quick and acrobatic, a good foil for the hard kicking baddie. Yen Shi Kwan as Yihu’s mentor was always dependable and had a strong fight with Hwang. Sharon Yeung’s fight choreography made use of her limberness, but she wasn’t believable as a lethal fighter. The final fight between Wong Yu and Hwang Jang Lee was quite creative. I’ve never seen incense used in that manner.

Kid from Kwang Tung was moderately entertaining, perhaps more so if you enjoy slapstick comedy. The comedy didn’t work for me, especially when the good guys kept getting brutally killed. What did work? Hwang Jang Lee was worth the price of admission. That and a half dozen hopping vampires. As always, rated on a curve for old kung fu flicks.

11 October 2024

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Oh, what a web we weave, when first we practice to deceive or ... blow people up

The Web of Death was a Shaw Brothers fantasy and action fueled story with special effects revolving around a spider that could shoot the rainbow out of its spinning hole and create colorful explosive and poisonous webs. In 1976 the creators may have expected the audience to take this movie seriously but I laughed hysterically throughout it.

The 5 Venoms Wu Du Clan is holding a meeting regarding the big martial arts tournament to be held on the Wudang Mountain. Snake Clan Chief Liu Shen wants the Wu Du Chief to allow them to use the Five Venoms Spider to defeat their enemies. The chief refuses saying that if the wrong person got hold of the weapon the world could be threatened. Liu Shen starts the gossip that the weapon which has been hidden for 100 years is about to be found believing the good guys will find it for him. Sure enough, the Wudang Clan immediately sends Fei Ying Xiang out to see what the scoop is. He runs into a woman disguised as a man who tells him she might be able to find the spider for him. Turns out she’s the Wu Du Chief’s daughter. While she has nothing nefarious in mind, not everyone may believe that.

Yueh Hua played the righteous swordsman Fei Ying Xiang while Ching Li played Hong Susu, the deadly swordswoman from the “bad” clan. I know I was supposed to be invested in their Romeo and Juliet romance but it didn’t really pull me in. This film was packed with Shaw Brother favorites. Lo Lieh was the duplicitous Liu Shen-always a delight to see. Ku Feng took on the role of a “good” clan leader while Wang Hsieh gave one of his more sympathetic performances as the “bad” clan leader.

The special effects were low budget 1970’s fare, but there were plenty of them. Sparkling lights, smoke, fire, fireworks, and colored lights. There were hidden traps, acid baths, and poison everywhere. The spider spewing out smoke and lights was a chef's kiss of cheesy effects. And this tarantula could also make elephant trumpet calls while standing on his hind legs. The sets were decked out like a Halloween spider fun house. I’m not an arachnophobe, but I also don’t like seeing them. These decorations looked like something a grade school came up with so were not scary to me at all. There were only a couple of shots of a real tarantula (surrounded in rainbow light) for anyone who needs to know for trigger warnings.

Very little time elapsed between fights or traps. Trampolines, wires, and reverse shots were all utilized in the place of serious martial arts, but the fights were still fun to watch as people fought on fire or dodging fireworks. Whoever doubled for Ching Li was quite acrobatic, flipping and twisting around her enemies.

As I was watching this movie, my first thought, after laughing about the “chase the rainbow” spider, was that I’ve seen this story before. Turns out it was a reworking of Cheng Pei Pei’s The Thundering Sword. Maybe this time the doomed love would turn out better and the good guys wouldn’t be close-minded jerks. Or maybe not.

The Web of Death is really only for fans of old kung fu movies or people who enjoy cheesy special effects. Turns out I love both and had a blast watching this fun house of horrors. As always, I grade old niche films on a curve.

10 October 2024

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I wanted to hop away from this one

Aside from also starring Lam Ching Ying and featuring hopping vampires, Mr. Vampire 2 had little to do with the original Mr. Vampire. Mr. Vampire 2 seemed to think if 2 Idiot assistants were good in the first film, 3 or more would be even better. The relentless slapstick comedy dragged this movie down for me.

Grave robbers come across 3 Jiangshi in a cave and take them back to their lab. They believe the hopping vampires will fetch a good price. In the process of transporting the little boy vampire, his talisman comes loose and he escapes. A little girl finds him and makes friends with him. The mother and father vampires are set loose first by Idiot #1 and then again with Idiot #3. “Hilarity” ensues.

The humor in this film didn’t work for me. Wanting to molest a frozen female vampire wasn’t humorous to me. A snake going up Idiot #1’s pants or Idiot #2 keeping a frog in his mouth didn’t tickle my funny bone. And once again a snake was killed, this time its heart was eaten by Idiot #2 as a tonic. Idiot #3 tried to convince Lam Ching Ying to let him marry his daughter by telling him he was already banging her. Who does that? How many times could people stupidly free the vampires while hamming it up for the camera? Each “hilarious” fight took around 10 minutes. Another thing that took away from my enjoyment was the terrible dubbing for the children. The little boy vampire was cute and because he couldn’t talk, didn’t have the bad dubbing by an adult. Despite the cute little vampire and the children taking him with them on outings, this shouldn’t be mistaken for a children’s show though it felt like they were trying to lean in that direction.

The best part of this film was Lam Ching Ying and his unibrow who appeared to be the only adult in the room. Moon Lee who was featured in the first film had a couple of small scenes in this sequel. Wu Ma made a brief appearance as a neighbor. James Tien who played in many kung fu movies showed up as an inept police captain. The three trouble-makers had me rooting for the hoppers who were far less annoying. The only other bright spot was when Lam Ching Ying’s character rattled off his credentials, such as---his master Sammo had Spooky Encounters and Lam had caught a Mr. Vampire last year. Speaking of Sammo, I missed the kung fu that took place in Mr. Vampire (1985).

Mr. Vampire 2 had possibilities by being set in the then present 1986. If you enjoy Hong Kong slapstick comedy you will likely enjoy this film far more than I did. I won’t be crypt-ic, there was nothing I could sink my teeth into and enjoy.

6 October 2024

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Wasn't electrifying

Whether watched under the title Frankenstein Conquers the World or Frankenstein vs Baragon, this movie was a letdown on both counts. I enjoyed War of the Gargantuans, the loose sequel to this film and had higher hopes for the origin story. All the scenes of decimated animals had me wanting to bolt for the door.

During the last days of WWII a German mad scientist’s work is taken by the Nazis and delivered to the Japanese via submarine. An equally mad Japanese scientist in Hiroshima looks at the indestructible beating heart and envisions an invincible army of soldiers who cannot be killed. As luck would have it, as they were doing their experiments, it turned out to be the disastrous day of August 6, 1945. Fifteen years later scientists come across a feral boy who is eating people’s cats and dogs and bunny rabbits. He’s eventually captured and after some research is believed to be a Frankenstein. With an oversized brow, a terrible wig, gapped teeth, and unable to communicate he continues to grow the more protein he is fed. Meanwhile, an earthquake, unbeknownst to the citizens, is actually Baragon burrowing and causing havoc.

A feral boy who continues to grow until he’s over three stories tall and a giant burrowing kaiju with a glowing horn ought to make for an electrifying movie. Alas, most of the film was as dull as dirt until the last 15 minutes or so. The scientists continually waffled back and forth whether Frankenstein should be or could be killed. Most believed he wasn’t human so it didn’t matter how they treated him when he was shackled and caged. This could have led to an interesting moral discussion but they were unable to piece together a workable body of logic.

The miniatures for the most part were skillfully done. The trees being thrown had roots to good effect. The boar on wheels and puppet horse were funny because they were so unrealistic and made the scenes less problematic. Although I did not need to see a dismembered rabbit. The overlays worked for the most part when Baragon blasted through a dance party.

These are the hardest films to review because Frankenstein Conquers the World wasn’t awful but it wasn’t very good either. It was an interesting origin story for War of the Gargantuans but didn't reanimate the genre. Baragon would be seen again in 1968’s Destroy All Monsters and the mouthful of a title Godzilla, Mothra, and King Ghidorah-Giant Monsters All Out Attack in 2001. The latter was the best out of all the movies mentioned here. There were parts of an interesting story and the final fights were good (make sure to watch the international version which has an additional kaiju), it just wasn’t stitched together well as a whole. The writers could have used a hand but sadly it crawled off.

5 October 2024

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Nailed it!

Kung fu, hopping vampires, silliness, and ghostly romance---what more could you ask from a movie called Mr. Vampire? It had typical 1980’s slapstick style humor. Some of the jokes haven’t aged well but many were still able to stick the landing.

Lam Ching Ying’s Master Ko is in charge of stopping a deadly vampire with only two incompetent disciples to help him. One disciple (Chin Siu Ho) becomes possessed by an amorous ghost (Pauline Wong) while the other one (Ricky Hui) begins to transform into a vampire after being bitten. Matters are not helped when a greedy rice dealer (Wu Ma!) adds regular white rice to the sticky rice needed to deter vampires. Did that suck! Master Ko uses every trick in the book to destroy the vampire. Buffy had it a lot easier. All she had to do was stake the fangers or decapitate them. Ko has to use chicken blood, ink, talismans, coated wire, sticky rice, and a host of other magical spells to try and stop the nearly indestructible homicidal hopper.

Mr. Vampire was aided by Lam Ching Ying and Chin Siu Ho having some martial arts abilities. Chin was particularly acro-bat-ic. Kung fu veteran Yuen Wah played the vampire which added to the martial arts fun. There was wire work which fit the magical atmosphere. There was a grave mistake, I spotted the wires in one scene.

What I learned from Mr. Vampire: Sticky rice slows down a vampire. A vampire can’t see you if you hold your breath. If a beautiful person of the opposite sex suddenly appears and wants to take you home on a dark night, best to make a date for coffee during daylight hours to see where it goes and whether they can appear because they may not be the ghoul of your dreams. If someone grows long blue nails overnight keep the sticky rice nearby. Hong Kong has gorillas? lol

Mr. Vampire was fun, especially if you like hopping vampires/Jiangshi combined with martial arts. As always with these older films there won’t be the high production values and CGI you see in modern films. Though you will be able to see guys hop in unison and others get set on fire. Props to Yuen Wah who was able to take the heat and his performance to the neck level!
(Trigger alerts below)

4 October 2024

TRIGGER ALERTS: A real chicken was killed as well as a snake (they made soup out of it later). There were also rats in one scene.

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"It will be a tasty fight!"

This is the third film I’ve watched by screenwriter Migita Masakazu and as the old saying goes, “The third time is the charm!” I wasn’t overly impressed with Monster Seafood Wars or Death Kappa. The Calamari Wrestler, however, was a strange and joyful movie about a professional wrestler who had suffered from a terminal illness and miraculously transformed into a giant squid. Could Kanichi regain his title and get his girl back? Let’s get kraken on this review!

Professional wrestler, Taguchi, had always been in Iwata Kanichi's shadow until the day Iwata disappeared after being diagnosed with a terminal illness. Three years later Taguchi is the top wrestler and has Iwata’s girl. After winning the championship, a man-sized squid climbs in the ring and snatches the championship belt. It was on like Donkey Kong and the Calamari Wrestler quickly defeated his two-legged foe. Embarrassed at being beaten by a seafood wrestler, Taguchi wanted a re-match and the Calamari wrestler was all for it. The promoters weren’t as thrilled when Calamari refused to throw the next fight.

The first thing that became apparent was that in the land of Gojira and other assorted kaiju, everyone was unperturbed by a dude who had turned into a cephalopod and who didn’t have to stay in water. I squid you not. Calamari shopped at the markets with no one running for their lives. In fact, when the fight was called off, the people rallied around him and pressured the promoters to schedule him a fight with Taguchi. Kanichi’s old girlfriend, Miyako, decided she was still in love with him regardless of his tentacles or maybe because of them. A whole sub-genre of manga came to life (without any gratuitous scenes).

There was an effort at social commentary in this squidiculous film. The promoter believed Calamari represented the chaos of the world and when Taguchi defeated him, it would alleviate public anxiety. Gradually, the public convinced him that by letting Calamari into the ring it showed that a world without prejudice could exist. The people just wanted to see exciting fights regardless of how many legs the opponents had. And soon there were other seafood wrestlers joining Kanichi in the ring.

This felt like a Rocky movie if Rocky was a squid and instead of boxing it was pro-wrestling. Coinsquidentally, Calamari had a Rocky moment right after his fight. There was even a training montage! All of the characters showed their devotion and love for pro wrestling. The film also highlighted the less savory side of the sport, I mean show, with the promoters working every which way to make a buck off the wrestlers and the fan’s desire to see blood in the ring. The special effects were almost nil. You could sea the human legs below the tentacles and squid costume which was actually part of the film’s charm.

Calamari Wrestler wasn’t inkredible but it was entertaining with gentle humor, as gentle as a reverse suplex or powerbomb. The wrestling scenes were hilarious and the final fight had a reveal I didn’t see coming. Normal issues such as love, greed, and national pride played out behind the tentacles and ink. If you enjoy absurd movies and don’t need a pesky thing like logic, this might be one to try.

1 October 2024

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Hopping Vampires!

I thought that I’d been led astray in my research of hopping vampire movies when I began Era of Vampires aka Vampire Hunters. The first creature of the night was a super powered blood sucking vampire that did not so much as hop, jump, or skip. Later on, my patience was rewarded when a whole herd of hoppers appeared. This was a low budget Hark Tsui produced film of which I expected more yet still found enough to keep my attention.

Be very, very quiet for Wind, Rain, Lightning, Thunder and their sifu Mao Shan are hunting a vampire. This mostly dead ex-general was juiced up and took exception to the vampire hunters. Many of the red shirt hunters were killed and Mao Shan was feared dead as well. Three months later the weather crew followed their vampire compass to the Jiang residence on the day of a wedding. The Jiangs were experts in making and using wax which led to some uber creepy goings on in a house where things didn’t just go bump in the night but also hopped and slithered. A secret stache of gold, a greedy brother-in-law, the Vampire King, the hunters, and the macabre household would all eventually collide in one gory mess.

This film had a very low budget look to it. The sets were simple but made to appear frightening with blue lighting and copious amounts of smoke masquerading as fog. The Vampire King was gruesome and buggy, no sexy fang banger here. Two of the humans did have time for some romance while running away from and fighting vampires. Even though there was some gore, the special effects were extremely low tech which took away much of the fear factor.

I didn’t recognize the Phoenix from Eternal Love TMOP at first. A young Ken Chang played Thunder and had the most screen time. Old martial arts movie star Chen Kuan Tai showed up as a Taoist corpse wrangler and set the hoppers loose at one point to distract the hunters while thieves sought out the golden treasure. He was even able to show his kung fu stuff in a short fight with one of the baddies. There were several wire-fu fights in dim lighting that weren’t as creative as I would have liked but were okay for this film.

Era of Vampires was more reminiscent of early kung fu films than films from the same timeframe. It had some intriguing moments and for this bargain basement niche mixed genre of martial arts and vampires it held its own.

30 September 2024

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Table for Two

Before Harry Met Sally, Figgy and Jenny met in An Autumn’s Tale. Mabel Cheung directed this romcom from a script by Alex Law. Set in New York City, it showed some of the obstacles Figgy and Jenny had to overcome on the way to love and the American Dream.

Jennifer Lee flies from Hong Kong to NYC in order to go to acting school and be with her boyfriend, Vincent. Her cousin Samuel Pang aka Figurehead aka Figgy greets her at the airport and gives her a ride in his deathmobile to her new apartment. Jenny’s mom had been informed that Figgy was a very successful businessman with his own apartment and car. Technically, all those things were true, if exaggerated. Vincent gave her a worse surprise than riding in Figgy’s junker. Unmoored and not sure what to do, Jenny went to school and picked up two part-time jobs to make ends meet. When Figgy wasn’t working or gambling he spent time with her, helping her overcome a broken heart and also had to make a better bowl of fish soup.

This film may have smacked of a tried-and-true romcom formula, but it was a newer trope nearly 40 years ago when this film came out. Even at that I found it entertaining and well done. The film eschewed secondary characters for the most part and focused on Jenny and Figgy which helped deepen my bond with them. Both were flawed, likeable characters trying to find their place in the world. Chow Yun Fat gave a delightful performance as the good-hearted Figgy who always helped a friend in need. This was the most vulnerable I’ve seen him. From joyous to down crested, he made Figgy believable and sympathetic. The younger Cherie Chung held her own with him as Jennifer. The two had nice chemistry going from strangers to something more even when Jenny and Figgy weren’t sure exactly what that something more was.

NYC was shown from its dirtiest closet to its shiniest showroom. Jenny went from being unsure of how to navigate the city to gaining her confidence with each passing day. Unlike Figgy, Jenny not only hung out with Cantonese speaking people, she also made friends at her school. Though ten years older than her, it was Figgy who needed to gain the confidence required to meet his goals. The two characters helped each other to grow and figure out what they wanted in their lives and each other.

An Autumn’s Tale was a subtle and slow burn romance without any annoying melodrama or slapstick comedy. Even the misunderstandings were overcome quickly. What it did have was character growth and personal discovery for both Jenny and Figgy. Their endearing relationship and adventures made the trip to NYC worthwhile.

25 September 2024

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"Sometimes I have to follow what others do. I don't know why life is this hard"

All the Crows in the World is a short film by Tang Yi that won the 2021 Palme d’Or Best Short Film and the 2022 SXSW award for Narrative Short. A clever satirical look at “respectable” businessmen and also a warm take on how friendships can occur in the strangest of places. Tang Yi built her world, added some surreal elements, and let her sharp female lead navigate it with care and fun.

Zhao Sheng Nan and her friend are enjoying a snack when the shop owner takes off with a female “friend” before his wife comes back. Sheng Nan starts a stopwatch and bets how long he’ll last. A relative advises her with a bullhorn that her cousin wants to meet up with her. At the restaurant table filled with middle-aged businessmen she finds herself, her virginity, and her marriageability the center of conversation. A conversation that includes a Taoist priest. She’s also gifted numerous red envelopes. The party moves to an “entertainment” establishment where numerous girls in short dresses are introduced. Sheng Nan finds a safe harbor with Wang Jiang Guo who has no interest in women or the evening’s proceedings.

Shot on a small budget, Tang Yi was the writer, director, and cinematographer. She utilized her 14 minutes and managed to make Sheng Nan and Jiang Guo come to vivid life, also helped by the actors’ performances. Though teenage Sheng Nan still had an innocence about her, with each zip of her jacket she showed that she was also aware of what men’s eyes desired. And was confident enough to put the businessmen in their places. Unlike the mainland where gay love is verboten, this Hong Kong film had an openly gay character. Jiang Guo and Sheng Nan formed great co-conspirators as they found their own way to enjoy their evening.

I enjoyed this quirky short film which even found time for a quick dance number complete with wings, bubbles, and strobe lights. Sheng Nan and Jiang Guo’s developing friendship was entertaining to watch as they commiserated with each other and poked fun at the respectable people around them. Tang Yi is a fresh voice and one I want to hear more from.

24 September 2024

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